An Unforgiving Heart is a Tired Heart – Learning To Expect No Apologies

Welcome to the sixteenth day of the 2020 Love Blog Challenge! Today’s prompt is Forgiveness. Check out the announcement post for all the prompts and rules this month. You can still join the link-up for Friday’s topic, Vulnerability


In a perfect world, human beings would interact with no friction whatsoever. No grudges, or wars or fights. But we’re in imperfect beings in an imperfect world, each of us at will to do what we desire.

I was raised by two teachers, so discipline at home was similar to school. My parents switched from our local dialect to English or Swahili when reprimanding us, and my mom instructed us to sit down, maybe because she is the shortest in the family.

The punishment started with a confession from the accused, defendants and the guilty sibling (s) before hail and brimstone rained on you. Sometimes it would rain before a confession, but there was always a confession.

If you grew up like me, you may notice you tend to solve problems quickly when there is a kind of dialogue about the issue. God forbid issues to get swept under the rag, only to build-up this huge stumbling block in the room which no one wants to address.


You Won’t Always Get An Apology

I’m learning this slowly. As a retired people pleaser and a used to be chief- good-doer, it hurts when there’s no harmony between people or in a room. The air in the room gets tense like the morning after your parents fought, and after that, it’s just stale.

 

Heart

 

Although I like harmony and congruence in human interactions, I have since also retired from being a bigger man. This comes from having to initiate difficult conversations all the time, that my heart gets over it, stands in a hands akimbo position waiting for the other person to do right. But they won’t. So we keep walking over the stumbling block in the room and our friendship is never the same.


Embrace Confrontation

I hate confrontation, I would rather die sometimes than verbally confront someone. This also stems from my people-pleasing tenure back in life. However, it’s the only way to tackle the giant in the room and move forward. Not everything is solved by burying the hatchet or burying anything.

Here are words to embrace as a retired people-pleaser so you can make forgiveness easier for you and prevent friction.

No.

I’m not available.

It’s not my priority right now.

Or any variations of these that sound nicer.

Anyone brought up by teachers knows they like a certain way of clearing the air. Confession, discussion, forgiveness, way forward. Confession, clear out the misunderstanding, way forward. Or something similar.

It’s not always going to happen. Embrace confrontation.


Forgiveness Happen When The Hurting Stops

Or the semblance of it. When the heart is no longer gasping for air, feeling physically stabbed or dull heartaches every time it remembers.

But sometimes you have to forgive even when it hurts. Not because you’re doing okay but because this is the only way to be okay and move on. To untether yourself from the negative energy of their actions and move forward.


Forgiveness Is The Only Way To Find Healthy Love

Sometimes we can get caught up in waiting for people to apologize and act right, that we punish the people present in our lives. We punish them by being bitter, resentful or mistreating them for mistakes they never committed.

An unforgiving heart is still carrying the baggage of yesterday’s misfortunes and has decided not to let go until an apology is delivered. It locks itself in a prison where it recounts the hurts and the wounds, finding other ways to hurt itself and expecting apologies for the new hurts.

It refuses to show up for new loves and new experiences still hung up on that hurtful experience and waiting for closure that will never come. If anything, the people who hurt it moved on to live their best lives and couldn’t be bothered at all.

An unforgiving heart turns inwards instead of outwards and bars itself from ever placing itself in a vulnerable or similar position again. It decides it’s never going to be ‘caught stupid’ again.


A forgiving heart knows it’s been hurt. However, it’s grateful for the beautiful time before the hurt. It knows it will take time to heal, but refuses to let the eggs of bitterness hatch in it.

A forgiving heart does what it takes to heal. A forgiving heart will set people free.


Who do you need to set free today?

This article first appeared on Medium.

 

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